My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't deserve a penis
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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