Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
