Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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