I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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