so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
