Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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