Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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