It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
