i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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