so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
