Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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