when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
