You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
