The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
