The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
