I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
