There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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