i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
