halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
