I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
