In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
