I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
