ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize