she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I could make wine with my vomit
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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