So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize