Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
