Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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