I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
