lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
