i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize