Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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