she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
