guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
