I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
