i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
