Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
