We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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