I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
