Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
