I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize