he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
