mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It was confusing and full of hummus
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Randomize
