My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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