Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
