sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
