There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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