I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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