Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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