he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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