I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize