What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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