I faked an abortion last night.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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