3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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