Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
