I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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