Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize