man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
