so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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