the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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