she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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